Clearing My Head By: Marie Castiano

Clearing My Head

By: Marie Castiano

First off, first dose, today I don't feel like most,

feelin like E, in solitary confinement,

i couldn't even find it, the exit,

where did it go?

feel like im bein pushed below.

Today is like fuck evertything, and everyone

I got a different perspective,

today I'm one,

with the evil bitch inside of me,

today she won,

she doesn't always take over,

but today something's being pushed over.

I feel like an avenger today,

feel like killin somebody if I don't get my own way,

feel like finally sayin,

what I've always wanted to say,

fell like sayin, fuck all ya'll

and juz walkin away.

Feel like gettin payback on all those

that did me wrong,

feel like reincarnating some fucked up song,

that i threw away cuz the shyt was too fuckin long,

feel like making them feel,

the way they made me feel,

feel like choking them out,

till i hear them all squeal,

hear them scream,

saying incoherent words,

that belong to those forbidden lost souls,

got lost in the forbidden crossroads.

Believe me im real,

and today I feel,

like you wont be able to deal,

with the pain I feel,

And if I could just have one person

that really understands,

that one single person don't have to be my fam.

Juzt enough for me to empty my mental,

and expose feelings that have always been unexpressed,

things that I've never had the strength

to really digest,

and if I could let go,

it might bring some peace to my soul,

and delay the process of wanting to explode.

By: Marie Castiano

.Mis-Representing My Surface.

.Mis-Representing My Surface

By: Marie Castiano

.The water on the surface of my pool

has never been crystal clear,

they always judged my book by its cover

and named it fear,

she's so weird,

personality is so hard to read,

too hard to guess who could she be.

.It has never been worth the trouble

or the struggle to get to know me,

they have so many misconceptions created by their glory.

I mess up and they laugh,

I pick myself up, when i didn't realize that I crashed,

I realized long ago they will never understand,

they will accept any fake thing that I put between in their hands.

.To be sincere is your destruction,

to know their betrayal is their disruption,

to never trust again is as good as it gets,

to hold back my tears is my best bet,

it's happened so much,

that I've fallen in love with my beautiful depression,

I've put all my battle scars into one section.

.To love so much is always my mistake,

to give what I can't receive it always my disgrace,

to believe that my positivity will keep me on track,

when I have to fake so many emotions it takes me off my path.

.What my heart desired never reflects on my surface,

they will never see my tears,

as long as I am focused,

I hide my pain behind every door that I open,

all the doors that I have closed

will never again be opened,

.I gave them all a try to really get to know me

before I died,

the Marie they knew died long ago

just because they denied her the happiness

that she desired long ago.

.And so I've mis-represented my surface

because it's obvious to me now that it was never worth it,

the face you see it's just a mask,

my tears are hidden inside my hearts flask,

my words are kind,

but are spilled just like poison,

its obviously a miracle that I keep on going.

.My last words were,

you'll never know me,

because I will always portray myself as the phony,

I will forever fake it, until I make it,

and I will remain a good liar,

yes I was the seller,

and everyone else was the buyer.

.MugShotz.

MugShotz

By: Marie Castiano

.He sees a flash,

from the corner of his eye,

he's standing to his left,

slightly starting to remember,

things just now coming into focus,

he's standing there looking like a crazy locust.

.The last thing he remembers saying was:

"Tonight will be a night to remember."

Ironic right? To his astonishment

tonight ended up being,

like no other night.

For a minute he saw his friends reflection,

damn he looked all fucked up,

what the fuck where they doing that he's all messed up?

.A man with a deep voice said:

"Turn to your right now son",

like he didn't have control of his body he did,

what the man had said.

Damn his head left like it was on fire,

his eyes were blood shot red.

.As he was directed into another room,

he felt like he was taking the steps to his doom,

He sat down on a hard and cold chair,

the room he was in was grim and bare,

and while he was waiting for some sort of revelation,

he started to remember,

his supposed night to remember.

.His mind created flashes,

visions of his last locations,

words of his last vocations,

slowly remembering his 100th beer,

and how they all left the bar without any fear.

He remembered a fight,

how he had fought with all his might,

he took a quick glance at his hands,

and noticed spots of dried blood,

blistering his hands.

.He felt diseased in a way,

trying to recollect what his brain could not manifest,

with no luck yet,

he remembers a face, he could not forget,

she was beauty in all the forms of the word,

he remembers telling her so many cold and unforgiving words,

he remembers walking away,

and her begging him to stay,

he remembers laughing at hear tears,

and he remembers shedding no tears.

.His mind flashed once again,

and he remembered what happened to his friend.

A car door slammed,

the car rolled once again,

his hands on the wheel,

he swore he could feel,

the devil talking to him once again.

"That car cut you off, pop the clutch and don't worry my friend".

.The rest was a blur,

a nightmare that he himself had made into reality,

his friend was a fatality,

at the beginning there were three,

but as the mugshots revealed,

the devil had made a deal,

that three he could defend,

but soon this young man noticed,

that there were only two in the end.

.I Am My Freestyle's Keeper.

I Am My Freestyle's Keeper

By: Marie Castiano

.I walked around in the record store all day,

my stomach got sick from all the shit on display,

what the fuck? when the fuck? who the fuck is this?

I listened before I judged,

slow to call it quits.

.Lil Wayne was the first to say,

Hip-hops not dead, that he got it okay,

but as I walked around

it seemed more and more

like a funeral town.

.Must've been more like he

emptied a clip in hip-hops head,

an assigned her the label,

solemnly dead.

.Then I stumbled upon an old ass song,

crazy mix-tape from back in the day,

The little demon child inside of my brain, said:

" It was real hip hop then, those were the innovators of those days."

...Then another voice called from beyond the grave...

"I am The Freestyle Monster Mother-Fucker and I Got Sum Shyt To Say!!!!."

.I was like:

"woah hold up, wait a minute, wats up?"

He Said:

"This is your mission today, let us create,

the real hip-hop funeral, finally put it away."

.Then I, a little suprised,

decided maybe I should compromise:

"But yo freestyle monster, can't you revive it again?

Call the reaper up and make some beats with him."

.Then I looked around at all the,

perpetrating emcees,

and the fake ass gangsters,

tryna look like they real on CD's.

.That's when I understood,

what the freestyle monster wanted me to do,

I could hear the demon child,

laughing away,

he understood it was hip-hop's funeral today.

.I hazed the day away,

and left the record store.

The day ended rather strangely,

last thing that my mind could define,

was an amber fiery color so divine.

.Then I got a call from my friend,

he was trippin, acting crazy, a little frantic he said:

"O shit son, you know what happened today?

Somebody blazed up the record store and blew that shit away!!!"

.I heard the freestyle monster laughing,

then the demon child laughed,

then I put my phone under my cover,

and i started to laugh.

.So till this day,

they all still say,

she is her freestyle's keeper,

she saved hip-hop in a way.

.A Lost Scroll.

A Lost Scroll

By : Marie Castiano

.Hello to the bosses of the stereotypes,

heard you wanted a fight with me today,

well here's a chance to say

what you wanted to say.

.No, I will not back away,

I will not stand down,

I will not let you your insecurities run this town.

You may be famous to the shallow illiterates

that run down the hall,

but let me say that they'll be the first to laugh at you,

when your fame starts to fall.

.I don't know what you want me to be,

but i'll make one thing clear,

even if I cared to change who I am,

what makes you think,

I would be a part of your clan?

.I just don't get it,

I don't understand,

your life is controlled by a thread

of the doubt that you hang, and a little bit

of fake ass confidence that you have,

and something that you call "pride"

but don't understand the meaning to be had.

.I was humble enough

to not laugh at you when you started to cry,

it's funny how you started off being a boss,

but the other bosses, flipped and switched on you

oh so quick,

But you forgot, life is nothing but a bitch,

such cruel realities happen on the everyday,

your egotistical values were blocking your entry,

now you see outside your shiny gleaming blinding walls,

you were the last person anyone wanted to envy.

.You were a game to them,

if not just a pawn,

the light burning your insides on this beautiful dawn.

Next time you think you're winning,

don't forget about the losers,

because we're the one

you'll wanting to heal you,

when their calling you a

loser.

.Ending The Issue.

Ending The Issue

By: Marie Castiano

.I remember the last time my heart broke,

I remember when that final piece fell to the floor.

It felt like I couldn't move anymore,

It felt like the final time my soul tore.

.I felt like that innocent little girl,

that had always been between a rock and a hard place.

That night the truth spilled out of

and dripped on my skin,

like lethal burning acid.

.My tears fell to the floor,

leaving little holes on the ground,

that resembled the painful holes you left in my heart.

You left me weak, in pain and nonrespondent.

This was the end of the road,

no more going beyond it.

.The fallout of that night was simply anger,

regret and a sadness that penetrated me so deeply,

that I didn't breathe the same for days.

How could I have been the only victim of your malice,

evil and malevolent ways.

.But from that moment and time,

my view of how I truly saw you changed,

I felt like I could never forgive you ever again.

.I refused to play the same role that was always played,

when things went wrong,

I refused to play the same chords

of your miserable unsymbolic song.

.Reconciliation seemed so far from my heart,

but I am who I am, and I knew

that I would have to find a way

to move on.

.Despite the hurt that you have caused,

my heart continued to want your love.

There was so many things I wanted

to say to you,

but my pride seemed always to get in the way.

I unraveled my pain in a letter I wrote,

but every time I would speak,

all I could do was choke.

.I realize now that all i could do

was let you know,

that destiny is calling for me,

and I can't ignore the call,

just now that I will always love you,

and that I just wanted the drama

to stop once and for all.

.This is my way of finding closure,

with the pain I felt,

positivity is taking the stage now,

I'm letting the negative have its final bow now,

I wish you

Dad

all the happiness in the world,

don't worry bout me daddy,

no matter what I do or where I go,

I will always be your

Little Girl.

.I Am Weird.

I Am Weird

By: Marie Castiano

.They say I am weird because,

I tend to speak my mind of things,

that seem only important to me.

I say them without pause because

I am not afraid to speak

and I say them clearly

so all could hear, that naturally,

I have no man made fears.

.They say I am weird because,

I go against the flow, but I don't want any attention,

I don't do it so they can look at me,

did I forget to mention?

I simply just don't want to be

a part of you zombie convention.

I go my own way because

I don't want to fall into your dimension.

.They say I am weird because

of my abstract thoughts,

because i refuse to think the same,

because of what they thought

was so rad and cool

I thought to be lame.

Because I didn't choose their path of destruction

I was put to shame.

But I laughed at their idiotic remarks just the same.

.And I told them, you can't shut me up,

You can't judge me for what i do

or for what i'm not.

You can't force me to think

the way you want me to,

you can't make me believe

that I don't see you all as fools.

.And to this they said,

you're such a weirdo, creep-o,

non-understandable, unbelievable,

under achieved student of some unknown school,

wat the hell makes you think you're so cool?

.And I said screaming

so the un-attentive crowd could hear me:

.If weird is to be unique,

is to be spiritual, musical, intelligent,

capable of having my own opinion

and having the strength and will to express it,

to go against the incoherent rhythms

that you all seem to follow,

because i dance in the middle of the street

when you hear no music,

but in my head there is a beat,

because i hear trumpets and drums

and i dance to them all,

and you choose to talk between the sessions

and i sing to them all

,and i wear whatever i wanna wear

depending on my mood,

and i dont care if, my hair, is

braided, straightened, permed, relaxed

or i just let my natural locks curl below me

till they reach the end of the block,

and you paint the mona lisa,

and i splatter, spray and sharpie

with every single color and then some.

.If being weird means not being you or anyone else,

then i am distinguishably, un-labeled,

un-categorized, un-spoiled,

the weirdest person on the face of the planet!!!!

.I walked away

but i honestly considered walking back to say:

"If i was to be anything,

but what i said i am, then i'll admit I.AM.WEIRD.

By: Marie Castiano